Long time....no sea

Seems forever since I've posted. Some ramblings about a drunken brawl at at jr. high girls basketball game i think. anyhow, i'm glad to be back. hopefully some of my friends will start to view my page again and then they too will begin blogging and the world will magically become a better place.
in the space of time since i last posted i've gotten engaged, married, been to hawaii twice, lived and loved in avondale, az and begun teaching middle school science at my school. i love teaching. where else do you get the opportunity to cash in on all the potential that the future generation has to offer. for all i know, the science lesson that i taught today will spark the next big medical breakthrough? who knows?
anyhow, i'm back!! see ya soon.

once upon a time there was a basketball referee(let's call him Jack) Jack came from a land where basketball bordered on religion. In the land Jack came from there were always heated rivalries and each team did their best to win (they practiced hard, didn't let attitude get in the way, listened to their sage-like coach, and most importantly of all, never listened to what parents had to say). In this enviroment Jack saw his share of ugly, brutal basketball games, but there were other lands where basketball is not understood as well. Anyhow, Jack played basketball or was at least around it for better than 20 years. With this amount of exposure to the game Jack thought that he knew his stuff when it came to hoops. However, one day there was an urgent message from a far away land proclaiming that there was a need to referees with teaching degrees. Jack, always one to answer a distress call immediately headed to that besieged country to try and instill some order to thier wild and unruly games.
to begin with Jack thought he did a good job of keeping order and there was some validation to his thinking because of the feedback he got from this supervisor and even the fans. one evening though, Jack was called right into the flames of hell to officiate a jr. high girls game. the first game went well and jack and his noble fellow official escaped unscathed. the second game however was another matter. Jack and Jill fought valiantly to preserve order and call everything fairly (even though have you ever seen a girl jr. high game? if Jack'd called everything he'd still be there), but this game was especially heated and played against a school who obviously doesn't extoll the values of proper dental hygiene. at any rate this game was among the sloppiest Jack had ever seen (and Jack was a member of the Wes Cross fan club). However, Jack and Jill maintained relative order and no one was hurt.
at the conclusion of the game however an irrate parent stumbled from the crowd, obviously wasted(oh yeah and remember what I said about dental hygiene?) and proceeded to make a threat on Jack's life. Well Jack's cool head prevailed and Jack reached down into his sock and brought out that shiv made from paper clips and scotch tape and shanked the motherfucker and left him bleeding right there on the floor.
at this point the other fans, who had been drinking together in the stands rushed the floor and Jack was overcome and tortured to death by way of a car battery and 7 ice cubes.
To this day a monument to Jack's memory still stands outside that gym and students on thier way to a big exam touch Jack's bronze-encased whistle for luck.

*written in loving memory of Jack Johansen beloved teacher, devoted father, loving husband, kick-ass referee.

Today in class my kids got a lesson in peer-pressure and bullying at the hands of our school phychologist. The whole time he was talking all i could think of was how useful these classes could have been for me in my youth. I know that i could have benefited from these classes in the rough, aggressive, kill-or-be-killed environment that was and remains U**** Elementary School where "i'm gonna slit your throat because your the reason he won't go out with me" or "get off our football field bitches before i bust a cap in your ass" are regular lingo. Heaven only knows that Mr. Randall and Mrs. Moore deserved hazard pay. However there is only one incident that is permanently embedded in my memory.
One day some kids were playing a football game in the parking lot which was tough because of all the burned out cars and broken liquor bottles, but the lines proved to be just about 5 yards apart so that was the best place to could manage. Anyhow, it was late in the game and Team Jones was down 6 but in the red zone and getting ready to score. With time running out, Matt "the punisher" S****** aired out a long bomb to Blake "i've got the moves of a jungle cat" M*******. With M*******'s NFL like skills, naturally he caught the pass in the end zone for a score tying the game. In a deft repeat of the same play S****** and M****** hooked up again for the extra point, thereby winning the game. Feeling insulted and suffering from Napoleon complex one of the safetys from Team Smith got into M*******'s face and started to bully on the typically demure future pro-bowler. The comments that were hurtled at the poor boy prompted him to reach into his sock and pull out not a Sharpie, but a shiv he'd made in class with Scotch tape and paper clips. Feeling the peer-pressure from his on-looking teammates, all thirsty for blood, M******* proceeded to shank the defender and leave the motherfucker bleeding in the endzone. Team Jones then broke into celebration by craking open a bottle of HotDamn. When officers arrived to investigate there was little talk of the shanking but an on-looker of the game stepped forward pointed to Matt "the punisher" and mumbled..."Uh...he's got a gun."
Now I've got to believe that if I'd had this kind of training this whole mess could have been avoided.

Disclaimer: We "the authors" of this blog would like to assert that this post is what is commonly known as a satire. We feel that there is actually quite a lot of merit to character education and simply saw an interesting opening for an entertaining story.

how many of you have ever been set up on a date you really didn't want to go on? well last night i was cruely introduced to this situation and today I have "monday morning quarterback" syndrome...except on sunday with absolutely nothing to do with football.
yesterday i went to work to get caught up and ready to face the week, arrange papers, make copies, plan lessons, etc. however, i had been set up earlier in the week and figured that last night would be a good time to let the dice roll and see how this set up would play out.
first though, a little back story. I had been set up by someone at work. to make this situation more delicate the person i was set up with was the daughter of this person. well, i had tried to play it the set up off and not really intended to take her up on it. however, for some reason i had an out of body experience and agreed to go out. now i should have seen the writing on the wall when i learned that this girl i was set up with was on the heels of a break up after 5 years. however, i ignored the flashing red lights in my head and agreed to go out...because this girl needed to meet new people and I'm new to the area....etc, etc, bullshit. To top off this little charade, the girl I'd been set up with showed up as work last week just by chance.... right. at any rate i knew i was on the hook for at least one date.
so last night i called and set up a time/place. thankfully it was set up as a double date...whew. so we went out for dinner and i have to say that dinner was great. i had the chicken maximillian w/ baja sauce (highly recommend). afterward we went to a movie. incidentally 2 for the money is a good one, a bit long, but still a good movie. however, the only show we could make was the 9:25 meaning that we didn't get out till 11:45. i had to drop them back off at thier car, get gas and make it back home. so i walked in the door a bit after 12:40. not bad, except that sleep deprivation is a companion of mine nowadays.
so here i sit contemplating this whole dating bit. from now on I think i'll set up my own dates and avoid the whole awkward feeling thing that i had to go through last night.

this is going to sound like the most lame thing you may have ever read, but what the hell is up with the end of Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Prince? I mean seriously i stayed up far too late last night to finish reading this book which i've been slugging through for the past month and a half and when i was finished i felt drained and couldn't sleep because of sheer disappointment.
i hate it when books get to me like this. i tell my students all the time that the imagination is much more powerful than simply watching a story play out on a screen but damn it i hate being left on the hook like this. i felt the same way when i finished Fellowship of the Ring (movie) for the first time...left wanting more. j.k. rowling certainly knows how to sell more books...too bad there won't be another one to sell for another year and a half.

i guess what i'm saying is that you should take the time to read this series if you haven't.

apart from that little drama however life is excellent. friday night was an interesting experience. I got roped into chaperoning a jr. high dance. not roped really, more like volunteered to help out a good friend. it's been at least 6 years since i've been in the climate that is a jr. high dance and i had forgotten that the major goal for 90 percent of the student there is to not dance, but to hang out and listen to music that is impossible to dance to...well most of it anyhow. the other thing that really caught my attention was not the girl/boy dancing (2 inch rule strictly enforced), but the girl/girl dancing. can someone tell me what the hell the lesbians in training are up to? i'm not kidding. these 13-14 year olds (at the max) were grinding on each other like i've never seen. i had to laugh because they were taking about this phenomenon happening at the clubs in scottsdale, but at a jr. high dance....DAMN.

so that has made up my weekend thus far, pretty lame. today i can only hope to gain solace when my colts take control of the AFC south.

ok...from my most recent post you may have collected that i was involved in a traffic mishap over the weekend. if this was your guess you would be correct. the most unfortunate thing about this series of unfortunate events is the necessity of gaining new transportation. let me tell you as a new to the "real world" individual the place i would least advise you to visit is a used car lot.

i'm sure that used chariot lots lined the streets of Sodom and Gomorrah. what a confusing and overwhelming experience. first of all, no one told me that i should bring an overnight bag to the car lot. however when i arrived on the lot at approx 6:15 local time and left at about 11:15 (yeah, that's 5 hours) i could only wish that i had soap, shampoo, and clean cloths for the long and exhausting ordeal. from my experience i have deduced that the used car salesmen are folks who were formerly CIA/FBI interrogators...the only reason they were forced from these positions were a.) incompetence b.) lack of fashion sense c.) they're just a bit too shady d.) all of the above.

so here i was. i arrived and decided to take a car for a test drive. arrived back at the dealership and started running some numbers with the guy...a deal comes back, i consult people i trust who know what the hell to look for when buying a car, and make a deal. go to the finance office and get approved for a loan for a sum that i have yet to earn in my entire life and here i am driving a nice, shiny, car...that belongs entirely to me...and the credit union for the next 5 years...or thereabouts.

anyhow, let me give you a heads up. don't let the even shiftier manger of the already Shift'n'Shady car lot get you cornered and start playing let's make a deal with you...it is a battle you will lose.

all that being said, my new ride is pimp.

Today in class one of my students spent the better part of 15 minutes creating a beautiful pointilism art piece on his whiteboard during math time reading, and i quote, "you suck".

It was beautiful.

there could have been no fewer than 150 tiny green dots spelling out this interesting and insightful little quip and the care he had taken in making sure that the dots were lined up made my heart swell with the pride that you can't imagine. I mean how is it that this pre-pubescent kid can find it impossible to turn in even the simplist assignment and at the same time find it within his over-taxed and bored imgination to create such a work of art!?!?! I pondered these feelings in my heart and came to one inevidable conclusion...this kid needed his ass kicked.

But I digress. Apart from school I have one piece of information to impart to you readers out there...left turns without the turn arrow will send you straight to hell!!! Seriously I can see why the Catholic Chuch has long regarded left as sinister. Lets look at a few examples. Ever notice that the Pope-mobile has no left turn signal? How about the fact that there are no left-handed basins for holy water?? And lastly, why does just about every well-known Democratic politican claims to be Catholic?? (pause for laughter) Just a few interesting tidbits. Now the reason that I have shared this little nugget with you is this... if you ever happen to be in Phoenix driving south on 35th Ave and planning to turn left on Peoria...DO NOT DO IT. Saturday I found out what happens if you ignore this whole "left turn policy" that I was left out of the loop on. let's just say that on this issue the Catholics got it right (not left)

One last thing, did anyone else die when Chris Rock said "George Bush hates midgits." on the Shelter from the Storm concert?